If a Friend Fails, It’s Sad; If They Come First, It’s Even Sadder!

To put it simply, I have now personally experienced this reality myself. You might be wondering: “Good heavens! What kind of exam could he have taken at this age? And if he did take one, did he fail, or did he accidentally end up coming first?” The answer is neither—because had I failed, those who offer sympathy would certainly have found out. The issue, perhaps, is that even after achieving success in certain “exams” of life, one does not always find the joy one had expected.

The question arises: why are we unable to find happiness in the joy of others? This is not merely a social tragedy; it is an attitude rooted in human psychology—one that seems to be spreading rapidly throughout our society. In the past, people would offer a shoulder to cry on during times of sorrow and join in the laughter during times of joy. At times, seeing everyone so happy, it was difficult to discern who the primary source of that joy was, as everyone participated in each other’s happiness with genuine sincerity.

Today, the situation appears quite different. While one might still—perhaps—find those who offer sympathy during times of distress, it has become increasingly rare to find people who are truly, wholeheartedly happy for someone else’s success. However, one distinction must be kept in mind: not every silent person is necessarily envious. Some individuals may fail to express their joy or appreciation simply due to being preoccupied, their inherent temperament, or a lack of expressive ability. Yet, when someone’s success is consistently ignored, their hard work goes unacknowledged, or deliberate attempts are made to trivialize their joy, then it certainly warrants reflection.

When, where, and how did this societal shift occur? Perhaps it is impossible to answer with certainty, but one can certainly examine the underlying causes of this attitude. Our religious and ethical frameworks clearly distinguish between rashk (emulative aspiration) and hasad (envy). Desiring to progress oneself upon witnessing another’s success can be a positive impulse; conversely, wishing for another’s failure—or regretting that they succeeded at all—is an entirely different, negative mindset. Unfortunately, we sometimes lose sight of the distinction between the two.

In my view, a significant factor contributing to this situation is the erosion of transparency and meritocracy within society. When people repeatedly observe that success is driven by patronage, nepotism, bribery, or personal connections—rather than hard work and competence—their faith in the system begins to wane. Consequently, they start viewing the achievements of others with suspicion. If someone advances through their own hard work, that success is often attributed to external influence, connections, or other extraneous factors. Instead of valuing the individual’s achievement, they are placed in the dock of suspicion; we have become more interested in seeking “explanations” for others’ success than in celebrating it.

I personally encountered this reality during my own journey as a writer. This journey, in itself, is an intriguing story. When my organization placed me in a ‘supernumerary’ role (an assignment without specific operational duties) for eighteen months, I found myself gravitating toward writing as I spent my time reading books. Initially, I would simply post my writings on my personal Facebook timeline. As time passed, quite by chance, opportunities to write for newspapers began to arise. Today, my columns are published on the editorial page of one of the country’s major newspapers.

I feel it is important to clarify that I did not embark on this journey according to any grand plan, nor did I ever view writing as a competitive arena. For me, it serves as a means to learn, to reflect, and to contribute my share toward spreading awareness. Yet, along this path, I noticed that some people I know no longer engage with my writing as they once did. Some have fallen silent, while others have perhaps simply moved on, absorbed in their own busy lives. I cannot claim that envy was the sole reason for these shifts in attitude, but the experience taught me a lesson about human psychology that is not easily forgotten.

I recall an instance involving a friend—who also writes for a prominent national newspaper—who called me one day and asked, “My friend, how do you manage to keep writing?” Not fully grasping his intent, I asked for clarification. He explained, “Since I started writing, I’ve actually become more isolated. I can’t even tell if anyone is reading my work; no one offers any feedback—neither positive nor negative.” He then asked if I experienced the same, and if so, how I managed to continue writing under such circumstances. I told him that I have ceased pinning expectations on others; I write primarily for the sake of fostering awareness. Our responsibility lies in making the effort—the outcome is beyond our control. I try to do my part and leave the outcome to Allah. Hearing this, they felt quite reassured and expressed their intention to continue their own mission as well.

This incident taught me another lesson: one does not always need grand words or lengthy commentary to appreciate someone’s creative endeavor. Sometimes, a brief message, a sincere opinion, or an encouraging remark can provide a person with the courage to continue their work. Similarly, if criticism is offered with sincerity and sound reasoning, it can become a valuable learning opportunity. While we may not agree with every piece of writing, there is a distinct difference between expressing disagreement and showing indifference or disregard.

In my view, our society has reached a concerning, perhaps even dangerous, threshold in this regard. We need to reflect on this attitude—both at an individual and a collective level. Scholars, intellectuals, educators, and social leaders must consider whether we are teaching the younger generation to cooperate with one another, or if we are merely pushing them into a race to surpass others at any cost.

While we are certainly not lacking in individual intelligence or capability, we often struggle when it comes to collective performance and teamwork. Team building plays a vital role in the progress of any nation. In a strong team, the success of an individual is viewed as the success of the entire group; one person’s advancement is not seen as a threat to others, but rather as a source of inspiration. Unfortunately, within our educational institutions, there is a heavy emphasis on individual achievement, while mutual cooperation, shared success, and the recognition of others’ talents often receive far less attention.

If we fail to address our mindset and attitudes, this unhealthy, hyper-competitive atmosphere within society could intensify even further. When individuals begin to view one another as rivals, when someone’s success becomes a source of pain rather than joy for others, and when those who work hard are left isolated instead of being encouraged, social trust begins to erode. This does not merely result in the isolation of a few individuals; it creates a society where everyone desires personal success but forgets the art of succeeding together.

If we wish to bring happiness back into our lives, we must learn to share in the joy of others. Congratulating someone on their success does not diminish our own achievements. Appreciating someone’s writing does not lessen our own capabilities. Rejoicing in a friend’s progress does not lower our own standing. On the contrary, such attitudes foster a magnanimous spirit and promote trust, love, and mutual respect within society.

In conclusion, I would simply like to say that life is already fraught with challenges, deprivations, and failures. If we cease to share in each other’s happiness, what remains to be shared between us? It is not essential that we all strive to outpace one another; sometimes, moving forward while holding each other’s hands is, in itself, a form of success.

Remember, another person’s success is not your failure, and another’s happiness does not diminish the share of happiness meant for you. Societies do not weaken because their members fail; rather, they begin to decline when people stop finding joy in the success of others.